Not everyone excels in the art of communication and these are the sort of people that generally face trouble setting boundaries. Staying knee-deep in each other’s business has never helped a friendship or any other kind of relationship. Sometimes a few hints can help others realize that they’re stepping too far. Meanwhile, on the other side of the spectrum, there are a few people that won’t back off unless you communicate your concerns with them in a more descriptive manner. Contrary to popular opinions and what our cultures lead us on to believe; boundaries are essential for a healthy relationship. Whether it’s a platonic or romantic relationship, building and respecting boundaries can be nurturing in the long run. It’s absolutely fine to offer some extra support to a loved one but when things start to get a little too exhausting you must step back and support the relationship you have with your inner self.
Lack of boundaries can lead to resentment in the long run which is why everyone must learn this skill one way or another. Here are some tried and tested practices meant for those that usually struggle on their boundary-setting journey;
Identify Your Limits
Before communicating your boundaries with others you must communicate with yourself. For the sake of sustaining these boundaries first, you must understand what’s not working out for you. Ask yourself;
Are your parents a bit too involved in your life?
Are you satisfied with the way your partner talks about your appearance or is it negatively affecting you?
Do you find your friend’s regular venting to be exhausting?
By asking yourself these questions you’ll start realizing whether these behaviors are taking a negative toll on your psyche or not. Boundary building is a time-taking process but before it begins you must identify those boundaries on your own.
Specify Some Topics
Beating around the bush has never helped anybody so try to stick to the point by specifying some topics. Take a leap of faith and describe how certain actions committed by the person you’re communicating with make you feel. Specifying a subject can help the other party understand your concerns in a more instant manner. Otherwise, they’ll be left wondering about what exactly they could’ve done to you to make you feel this way.
For instance; Some sexual assault victims don’t wish to talk about that traumatic event in their life on another person’s accord. So, in this case, the “subject of communication” is sexual assault and everything associated with that traumatic event.
Another example can be how often you wish to communicate with another person. Let your friends know that they shouldn’t be persistent upon talking to you after 9 because that’s when you wish to relax. In this way, you’ll clearly build a boundary visible to both you and your friends. So, take a clear approach to the conversation instead of being vague about it.
An Assertive but Respectful Approach
While communicating your concerns use your words wisely. The purpose behind this conversation is to build a boundary without damaging the relationships you consider as near and dear ones. Your words should be respectfully chosen but assertive. Avoid making self-deprecating jokes to lighten up the mood. Furthermore, assertiveness is often regarded as a negative trait but when used in the correct context it can help you communicate more confidently.
Don’t Keep Things For Later
While being too nice to others sometimes you can be too harsh to yourself. It’s quite understandable that you want to keep things slow for a while. On the other hand, you mustn’t set things aside for the future. While you’re in the middle of communicating and discussing the boundaries don’t lose your firm stance. Statements like “maybe now’s not the right time” or “maybe I should talk about it tomorrow” will most definitely stop you from taking a stance. If you’ll let your emotions overcome your assertiveness, then you’ll most probably regret it later on. So, communicate your concerns and the boundaries you want to set right on the spot.
Don’t Feel Guilty
Guilt is perhaps one of the biggest reasons why people choose to remain people pleasers. Understandably, you don’t wish to say “No” as it will more likely make you feel guilty later on. It’s okay to say no when you don’t feel like you want to talk to a friend on a certain topic. If your friend wishes to vent about their like life and you’re not in the right space of mind learn how to make them stop. You can’t help your friends unless you’re in the right headspace yourself.
Let Your Body Language Speak For Itself
A laid-back approach often brings no positive results. While you’re setting certain communicative boundaries between you and your friend your body should reflect what you’re trying to say. Avoid leaning back as it shows a more casual, non-serious, and laid-back approach to a serious issue that consults you. Your friends are more likely to take you seriously when you’ll act that way. Furthermore, try to maintain eye contact as much as you can as this approach makes you look a bit more strong-willed and decisive.
Confrontations and Consistency
Once you’ve communicated the boundaries you wish to set with someone else, don’t let any remarks from their slide. You’ve got to firmly confront them without insulting them. For instance; There can be an event that has been traumatic for you in the past, and your partner knows about it. Despite you mentioning that you don’t wish to discuss the matter if your partner still feels the need to discuss it, you must confront him.
You’ve got to be consistent with what you want and by letting people slide out of those boundaries you’ll be acting inconsistently towards your own wellbeing. If there’s a need for confrontation go ahead and make your point clear once again.
Final Words
Building new boundaries between you and your loved ones is usually much easier said than done. You’ll constantly feel the urge to change your mind but it’s time to change the cycle. You must realize that you’ve spent enough time being a people pleaser and a pushover. Once those negative behaviors start taking a toll on one’s mental health they should stop insisting on staying silent. So, don’t rely on others to understand when and how they’re being bothersome. It’s better to communicate your worries at the earliest, in the most picturesque way possible.
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